"The past isn't always a good guide to the future," Kim Jong-eun told a press conference this week. Although the country's economy has been in a nose-dive for several decades, Mr Kim told reporters of his optimism for the 21st century. "Even though some traitors call the 20th century the American Century, the 21st will be the Kim Jong-eun Century," he beamed.
North Korea has been out of the headlines since it launched a missile in April, but the leader is eager to bring attention to the country. In the wake of the 23rd anniversary of the Tiananmen Square crackdown, Kim Jong-eun has called on North Koreans to protest the rule of the Korean Workers' Party.
"We just haven't been in the news much recently," he said. "I'd love for the Korean people to bring the headlines to our great country. If not, I might have to do something myself. Don't make me get out my stilettos – although I'll have you know that I do a fantastic Liza Minelli."
"Even Myanmar's been outdoing us recently. All that Aung San Suu Kyi stuff. What's with that? I'm going to have to talk to Senior General Than Shwe, if he's doing anything these days. We might be able to organise some sort of international Bieber rave."
As a measure to coerce the North Korean people into protesting, Justin Bieber songs have begun to play from every state-owned radio channel . Bieber's video clips are also dominating the airwaves.
Mr Kim chose Bieber due to the glory brought to his country in 2010, when Bieber supposedly chose North Korea over Israel as the location where he would most like to hold a concert. According to that bastion of authoritative news, MTV:
At this point, Justin Bieber's camp is sort of used to the Internet hoaxes — he's had syphilis, gotten pregnant and even died a few times, if you can believe what you read — but over the past week, there's been one hoax that just won't go away: his (supposed) concert stop in North Korea.
Reports that Bieber chose North Korea over Israel due to concerns over the Jewish custom of circumcision proved to be false when it was discovered that Bieber has no penis.
Nonetheless, Mr Kim claimed that any dissent to his Big Bad Bieber Bash would be viewed as lese majeste. "I just can't handle any bad words about Justy," Mr Kim said. "Just look at his fringe. How can you not love that?"
To show his sincerity, Mr Kim even directed the Ministry of Information to hack into this blog to make sure the Bieber message was spread to Asia-Pacific Week 2012:
Justin Bieber – Baby
The Australian Foreign Ministry was unavailable at the time of writing, but former Foreign Minister Kevin Rudd was eager to comment on the matter. "Justin Bieber is awesome," Mr Rudd said through a teenage female claiming to be his representative.
