I bought into the hype. I am reading the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy.
In a nutshell, here's what it's about (spoiler alert):
Edward, formerly of Twilight vampire-fame, has transformed into a billionaire businessman who is terribly kinky named Christian Grey. Bella, instead of an angst-ridden self-conscious teenager, is now an angst-ridden self-conscious recent college graduate named Anastasia (Ana).
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| Is this Christian & Ana or Edward & Bella? You decide. |
You know how Twilight was called abstinence porn before Breaking Dawn? Well, this is basically Twilight porn. And according to many sources, it's based on Edward and Bella. It's Twilight fan fiction on crack. Or bath salts.
Anyway, Edward/Christian becomes enamored with Bella/Ana. He knows he should leave her alone, he's no good for her, but he can't help himself. He's drawn to her....she smells so good. Bella/Ana knows that she should stay away from Edward/Christian as well, but she is also drawn to him, he's sparkly (so to speak).
So they hook up, after fighting it as much as they can. He deflowers her. He has a past.
In Twilight, Bella found out that Edward was a million year old vampire. In Fifty Shades, Ana finds out that Christian is a kinky perv who likes to tie young women up, hang them from the ceiling and spank them with medieval instruments while they hold a giant set of Ben-Wa balls with their vaginal muscles.
So, they're basically the same book.
Seriously, though, I am on the 2nd book. I quickly realized that the story is crap. The writing is crap. But for some reason, I can't quit reading it. I hate myself for it. Unlike many other women, reading it doesn't embarrass me - trust me, Anne Rice's A.N. Roquelaire books are much kinkier and I read them, but it's like literary crack. You know it sucks, but you can't stop yourself. I felt the same way about Twilight. I hated myself for reading that too.
Now, here's the trick to writing a popular novel. Truly, this story could have been in one very short book. However, it's packed with so much unnecessary kinky sex, that it's been stretched out (if you've read the books, then that play on words is probably hilarious to you) to THREE novel. So instead of paying $9.99 for one book on Kindle, I'm gonna pay $30 all total for all 3 books. You suck, E.L. James. But you're pretty dang smart even if you did take authoring lessons from Stephanie Meyers. So the trick is to fill your book with so much gratuitous sex that Wal Mart bans it, public libraries refuse to stock it, and Saturday Night Live makes a masturbation-filled Mother's Day homage to it.
Now I know what to do when I finally write my book.
Here are some observations I've made while reading the books:
The word 'baby' is used way too much
Each time Mr. Grey says 'baby' in the dialogue in the book, here's what I think about:
Or this:
Beavis & Butthead are forever-teenaged idiots. Justin Bieber is 9 years old. It's okay for them to use the word 'baby' every time they speak.
But Christian Grey is supposed to be a classy gazillion-billionaire. I have a hard time picturing a man like that over-using the word baby like he does in the book.
Now, if he was some dude with a popped collar, with his hat on backwards wearing his sunglasses inside, trolling in a bar every weekend, I could totally see him saying 'baby' that much. But he's not. It's silly.
The amount of orgasms
My friend RebelGrill and I were talking about the books the other day, and she doubted the validity of the orgasms, although she admitted that if someone did all that Mr. Grey does to Miss Steele in the book, she may have that many orgasms.
I honestly don't have so much of a problem with the amount of orgasms. I mean, if you're going to write soft-core porn, you may as well include the money shots. An incredibly unbelievable amount of money shots. Nobody wants to read about that many sexual encounters where the woman leaves feeling frustrated because she couldn't open the cookie jar.
So I'm okay about the big O's, but I know many of you out there take issue with it. Besides, I'm not getting any nookie right now, so at least some idiotic character in a book is getting enough for both of us. And 15 other people.
The lack of Lady Infections & Skank Smelling Sexy Bits
Now, I just said I don't have a problem with the orgasms. And I don't. It is quite possible to have that much sex. It really is.
However, I cannot imagine having that much sex and not getting some sort of lady infection. Or at least some chafing.
Come on, let's be real here. Almost all of you have done it. At some point in your life you've probably done it a few times in one day. Maybe for a few days.
What usually follows those marathon sessions?
UTIs. Yeast infections.
The lady doctor comes and visits her for birth control, but never for a lady infection. That's just unrealistic.
And so is the lack of showering. Several times, they do it like 4 times in a row, then they go to a function, and it's written in the book that something that would have washed off in the shower is still on Mr. Grey (the lipstick from the road-map part). Again, like the lady parts infections, if you've ever had a lot of booty, you know that it does not leave one smelling all fresh and clean like a garden full of daffodils or the Outkast song.
No, you stink like a port-o-potty outside a hooker convention.
So he had to be smelling awesomely ripe to go to a black-tie function after all that booty and no shower.
And yes, I realize the futility of arguing the points that are unrealistic in a fictional novel. Don't judge me. I also realize that everyone is talking about or writing about these books, so I'm just feeding the hype. Oh well.
